lost in a rant

Fuck looking for a job! I want to quit work and stay at home and do nothing. That would be great! someone tell me how to make that happen. or to have a job i like but pays well and i don’t have to work til 10pm and every freakin weekend!!! uggg

What I don’t get it these people who know EXACTLY what they want to do for a career. I don’t have a clue, there is really nothing that really jumps out at me that I know is “right” for me. I mean I can see myself doing lots of things and being good at them (I am moderately intelligent) but really none of them speak to me. maybe because they are so intangible.

But I say AGAIN fuck this job search where people want to pay you less than 22,000 yr to work a job you have 4yrs experience in, where they will pay you (4 yrs experience) and the other person (no fuckin experience) the same thing bc that is just RIDICULOUS!!! I mean I fuckin get-it, if they can hire someone cheap they will especially in this bad economy, but really…

So maybe i’ll go back to school, begin a new career and pick one that makes decent income. Great, except the same problem I am ambivalent about all jobs. I don’t WANT to work a job. I take a lot of personal pride in being good at my job; feeling successful and that is very important to me. it’s not that I don’t care what I do for a living, but I just don’t know how to choose and make such an important decision. I guess I’m scared I’ll fuck up and not like it or be able to get a job in my field. I need a direction, a path, I have no idea where I am going in my career and it scares me so much to feel so lost within myself and my life.

When does adulthood begin? Not yet for me apparently…

I imagine the morning of an “ADULT” happening something like this:

6:00am Wake up with alarm, well rested from 8 hour sleep. I imagine the scene from Sleeping Beauty where the prince kisses her and breaks her magical sleep; She slowly opens her crystal-clear eyes, and curls her plump, rosy lips into a contented smile and contemplates the joy of her life.

6:10 Bathroom, Shower, Brush hair and teeth. Don’t forget to shave!

6:30 Pick clothing out of closet and put aside.

6:45 Fix a healthy breakfast (oatmeal? eggs and whole wheat toast?), sit down at table and consume while reading newspaper/checking email/getting stock updates: conversing intelligently about world news with spouse between dainty bites and sips of earl grey.

7:10 Blow-Dry hair and put on perfect “Day” makeup. Don’t let lips and eyes fight! and for heaven sakes don’t let your hair dry with a kink! Must Blow Dry and Curl into perfect smooth waves that brush your shoulders.

7:30 Iron out every wrinkle in that day’s clothing and get dressed. Putting jewelry on last, after a few spritzes of a flowery, subtle perfume.

7:50 Unload dishes from the dishwasher and put away. Wipe down counters, sink, stovetop and load all dirty dishes into dishwasher.

8:10 Miscellaneous picking up. Make Bed. Plump pillows in formal living room. Leisurely having a 2nd cup of tea, maybe a fragrant peppermint this time!

8:30 Grab packed lunch (leftovers from last nights pot roast) and leave for work early.

8:45 Arrive at work and spend time waiting by balancing checkbook and planning weekly meal plan, with correlating grocery list.

9:00 Beginning of Work Day

My mornings are more like this:

7:45am Alarm rings, ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling.  Moan and quickly snooze the Phone.

7:50 ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling. Stare up at the ceiling, groggy. Try and start my brain to think. Hmmm do I REALLY need a shower today?… Snooze

7:55 ding-a-ling ding-a-ling. I immediately turn over and grab my phone, and change the alarm time to 8:20. My hair’s not THAT dirty. I’ll just put it into a ponytail anyways.

8:20 ding-a-ling ding-a-ling. OK, OK! I turn the alarm off completely. Lay on my back and will myself to get up. I groggily hop out of bed and walk to the bathroom.

8:25 I brush my teeth, and my hair. Put hair back into ponytail.

8:30 Grab clothes out of laundry basket. (They are clean FYI, I just get too lazy to hang them up. So the clothes live in a laundry basket in my living room.)
Throw on a bra, undies, dress pants (hope the wrinkles won’t be noticable), and shirt.

8:35 Pet cats for a minute and check they have food & water. They demand some morning Amore, Awe so Sweet! 🙂

8:40 Run around house looking for shoes. Damn second shoe is always missing, so switch to same shoes wore yesterday bc they are still next to my bed! Mad dash around for matching socks, I excavate laundry basket, dresser, and the dryer. I dress my feet ASAP and lastly throw on earrings, necklace and rings. If I have time then i spritz on whatever perfume I see on my dressing table.

8:45 Snag a Lean Cuisine out of Freezer and stuff in my purse (that’s why I b0ught the bigger size Coach for hardback book and frozen lunches). I grab my keys, purse and hop in the car.

8:50 Stop by Starbucks (hope for no line & quick barristers) and grab a bagel (hoping I can eat it within 2 hours, before it gets tough) and if I’m in the mood, a nice hot Non-Fat Chai.

8:58 Walk to work quickly and make it right in time, YES!!! Though, Ugg i’m already tired and have a long day in front of me 😦

9:00 Beginning of Work Day

Merry Gentry book series

I am reading the Merry Gentry Series by Laurell K. Hamilton. Fantastic books, quite heavy on the sex as you get further into the series, but it works with the story. Laurell K. Hamilton is quite well known for writing the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Serieswhich I have read and enjoyed, for the most part.

I am technically re-reading the Merry Gentry Series for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time, not really sure actually. I love a strong female lead character and the books are quite intriguing, with some bits of horror, mystery, lot’s-o-sex, and a dark, almost twisted version of a fairy tale.

The Anita Blake Series, has gone in a sex-heavy & plot-light direction, which has taken some of the excitement out of waiting for the next book to be released and smothered my enjoyment of the series as a whole. I feel like the plot of the Merry Gentry Series just works better with the copious sex scenes than the Anita Blake Series. The sexual escapades of Mary seem to be intertwined within the plot of each book; the sex is a plot device that propels the story forward vs Anita fucks her harem of men, and sometimes it is a plot device. Well fucking was often a plot device in the earlier books but as the books got into the high teens it seems like the author ran out of strong plots and just added sex scenes to fill the requisite pages.

I guess we will see how the Merry Gentry series does as it reaches 10+ books because maybe the plot is better created to weave the plot and sex; or Maybe the author just runs out of good plot as the series adds more & more books.

But whatever the case, I really enjoy a warped fairy tale and can’t wait to finish the series again, & to continue to wait for the next book to be published.

Mildly introspective

I sometimes wonder how the world sees me.

This outer shell we present to the world is what people see and who they know. Very few people know the thoughts and feelings of the inner persona.

And there is nothing wrong with that. I mean to live in this world we must adapt ourselves to fit the moulds of propriety so that we can acquire/keep/thrive in our jobs.   I don’t really believe that we could reasonably survive in a world where every person we meet knows the dark, the silly, the moronic, the deep, the doubting, the hoping thoughts that are running through our heads.

Would that be a good thing?

Maybe the girl who acts like a total bitch to everyone would be humanized if her insecurities and motives where overt for all to see… or maybe we would all just see how some people revel in the drama & pain they cause in others.

guess that goes back to the ol’ glass half full or half empty idea…do i assume people are good at heart or really quite nasty? i like being a nice person, that quality alone probably makes me quite boring, but that’s ok. I really just see myself as this nondescript, average person, nothing really special. Maybe more sexually minded, but maybe other people are just not as in touch with their inner perv as me.

If  people could see the real me, what would they think? I mean in some ways I am super nice, kind and loving…in many ways I am a cold, unfeeling, perverted, judging bitch. I mean do I want people to know my inner dialogue? Umm, NO not really. And if that’s the case then people can’t really know the “real” me.

Maybe that’s good, maybe that’s great! I can look at it as an opportunity to create a persona to play in life. one for my job, one for my boyfriend, one for my parents. I mean they all contain elements of the “true” me. but maybe some of it is JUST/ONLY for me…

maybe that’s the part that the world never needs to see. a private little persona that knows all my weirdness, faults, pervey-ness, dumbness and accepts me for all that AND still thinks i’m a BADASS woman.

magic kisses and vibrators “oh my”!

Had a lovely evening with D last night. we snuggled and fucked and played til far too late.
We talked about new sex toys “we”, really me, want to acquire. Hmm dreaming of an unlimited supply of sex toys 🙂 Currently have decided I want an Eroscillator, g-spot vibe, 2 new dildos and a Fleshlight for D. And a bucket full-o-lube, come to think of it, do they sell it in gallon sizes?
to be honest I really want a SYBIAN…anyone have any personal experience with one? But after much begging, apparently we cannot afford a SYBIAN, as amazing as they seem to me. Think D & I have different monthly/yearly budgets for pleasure. Fuck him, I buy my own diamonds and sex toys! if that’s not “liberated” i don’t know what is.

We did a little Sleeping Beauty role-playing, though not in a sexual way. though ding maybe can incorporate my obsession with fairy tales in a new way. Will have to ponder that…
I laid back on the bed and told him to kiss me. I closed my eyes, tilted my chin up and waited for my wake-up kiss. Not fairy tale quality kisses were ignored and met with C’Mon i want a MAGIC kiss! and for future reference, open mouth kisses are not appropriate as MAGIC-waking-her-from-100-year-sleep, type kisses!!

“Diamonds and vibrators are a girl’s best friend” – says me, bitches!

being the real me

You know how sometimes you have nowhere to talk honestly about the things in your head. I def can’t use FB because I don’t want to share my feelings with all these people who are basically acquaintances. They may call then “friends” but we all like to comment one each others dumb posts and judge our lives against others failures and successes. Plus my family and boss are on FB, so i sure can’t talk about my concerns, worries, fears, OPINIONS, really all the stuff that I actually think.

I think I’m going to use this blog as a place to put my thoughts and i’ll assume that no-one will read them. Is it strange that putting my thoughts here for potentially millions of people to read feels as anonymous as a diary under my bed.

I’ll talk about the books I read. My thoughts on my job, my life, on sex, culture, art and anything else i Feel like…because it’s MY mother-fucking blog.
and no one has to know all the swirling mess of emotions, thoughts and stupidity going on in my head…